February 10, 2009

There is a blessing and a curse with having a photographic memory.  The blessing is that you can remember the past with excusite detail and don’t need to journal it for yourself.  The curse is that you must remember the past in all its detail and cannot forget.  Here a journal could be helpful, where one can analyze one’s thoughts.  This is my second attempt at keeping such a journal.  It’s been about a year since I last tried.  Since then I have built relationships in this place, some good, some not so much.  It’s been a rollercoaster to be sure.

Right now most of my friends are away.  They left over a week ago to fulfill a bargan made while in distress on our last mission.   I really couldn’t go, not knowing the situation.  Nor was I part of the bargain, and besides I had a lot to do here.  That being said, I do miss them.

My relationships with them and others in this place are currently in flux.  Whatever I did over the past year is irrelivant once my soul or inner essence was reunited with my kindred form.  I’ve changed, moved farther away from the call of the Beast towards a better understanding of my underlying humanity.  However, they don’t always see that.  My brother does.  May the goddess bless him for it.

After my brother, my best friend is my former ward, now teacher Jesse.  She has, by the goddess’s blessing become one with the spirit Anu for a time.  I’ve learned much from this and Jesse’s actions for my and Kindred benefit will always be remembered and upon her release be rewarded.  Some, such as Chaska and Ironclaw are wary of Anu and her goals; but I am confident that everything will for once in my existence work out right.  It is the goddesses will.

One thing that Anu brought to my attention was that historically, my kind have always strived to find someone or something to serve.  This is true.  I have served the goddess by creating a cult that worships her, giving my best friend to her servant as requested, served my Hierophant regularly, and helped with protecting the greater good – at least as I see it.  But I haven’t found anything or anyone here in Eldon Well to whom I would give my devotion.  Not yet.  Perhaps this place itself deserves my devotion for I do like it.

I tried with Ironclaw, but despite my attempts to fool myself, I did not love him nor could ever do so.  I like him and always will.  I believe he respects me as well, especially his deciding to extend trust to me on the Anu thing.  But, I don’t know if love, like my brother found with Alice, is an option for me.  Now that I am whole, it is something that is important to me. 

I like Lyla.  I considered working for her briefly, though to be honest I didn’t like the business she was in and well, I couldn’t give myself to her will.  It didn’t feel right.  Now, we are still friends, but not close friends.  She lives in two worlds I am not a part of, the underworld of crime and the Pack.  We party, we talk, but in truth I don’t think either of us really knows the other. 

Everyone it seems that I work with is part of this Pack except myself and John.  Michael once dated a member of the same, but I don’t think that worked out.  In any case, I don’t mind not belonging to it; my existence is quite seperate from them and the Danse Macabre conflicts far to much with their ideals at times.  It is better to be allies.

Speaking of which, Chaska and I are making progress.  I like him.  We may not agree on many things but that hasn’t prevented us from getting along quite well.  It is his pro-offered friendship that, along with Johnny, helps me believe it is worth it to stay here.  His is not the only one, but a critical one at a critical time.

I tried with Ramiel.  I think he tried too.  Early on we butted heads.  Now, too many misunderstandings and suspicions have laid between us over the last year for either of us to make the leap to trust each other beyond what is critical for a mission.  He blames me I think for several things, none of which I am culpable for; or I would apologize for.  I for one thought he was a power hungry, arrogant ass.  Yet, I was wrong about him in one critical way.  He does have a bit of humanity in him.  Makes me think there may be hope for some kind of accomidation or trust to be built.  That and despite it all, I do find his bluster and self-confidence quite charming.  I only wish he could see past the fact I am not a mortal.  That and see that, despite what I may have said in the past, I do care about this place and the people within it.  Yet, to really want to protect it, I need a bigger investment.  He could provide that simply by saying, “Lets start again.” or trying to get to know me.  I hope he does, for we have more in common than he thinks.

Michael has me worried.  Mostly because he has everyone else worried and that makes it more than just suspicition on my part.  I would like to know him better as well, but from the start he has made it clear that he doesn’t trust vampires.  Fair enough.  I don’t trust mortals with too much power, but then again who does?  He acts for his own self, and you know after thinking about it, it isn’t much different than what I have done in the past.  I will wait and see on him; but I’d like to think he knows what he is doing.  If he pushes things too far, others may push back.  Myself for one will give him the benefit of the doubt.

I don’t know Rey.  She made it clear she hates vampires.  Once she learns about Jesse she will no doubt despise me.  But Jesse made her choices a long time ago and Rey and everyone else needs to understand that.  She’s in my world, just as Michael, Ramiel, and the other mages in this town have theirs, and the Pack has its world, etc.  We have to respect each others boundries.  Yet, Rey and I are both followers of the old ways, my version being a bit more primal for certain.  She and I could be good friends and allies if she so chose.  But I tried and she rejected that attempt.  It seems to be a common theme.

On this I need to rant a bit to myself.  Some people in this town get it, others don’t.  They don’t know how lucky they are that I am the type to kindred that I am.  I am not Dracula, or some horror out of some cheap novel.  I am Gangrel, a daughter of the Morrigan who has no malice toward the wonderous array of beings gathered in this small remote place.  It must be for some greater purpose that this concentration exists, that is for certain.  Perhaps that, more than anything is why I should stay.  Because these people and perhaps even myself, am important to a larger greater cause.  A cause I can serve.  I for one have tried to embrace the larger issues; but on the smaller ones, I’ve found it so hard to be accepted here.  Sure I have plans, sure I wish power and safety to do what I do, but in that I am no different than spiritkind, werewolves, mages, mystics, espers and the others that are here.  I am a monster, sure.  But like them, one with a soul.  They need to look at the monster in themselves before judging me on the monster I accept that I am.  Perhaps we all need to look past the veneer on whom we are on the outside and look to the persons we all are on the inside; try to understand one another better.  That is something I’ve tried to do.  Maybe someday more than just a few will recognize that.  I’m patient.

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